I’ve always been an anxious person. The kind who catastrophizes, expecting the worst-case scenario, no matter how unlikely. As a kid, I loved cable car rides—they were a thrill. But over time, my fear of heights worsened, and now I can barely keep my eyes open when I’m on one. I’ll never forget the time I visited the Grand Canyon, a place I’d dreamed of seeing for years. I ended up crawling away from the edge on all fours, completely paralyzed by fear. It was embarrassing and frustrating, but I shrugged it off because, really, how often does anyone go to the Grand Canyon?
It wasn’t just heights. My heart would pound whenever my boss called me, and I’d get nervous in situations that most people would breeze through. But for the most part, these fears felt manageable. They were annoying, sure, but not life-altering. I could avoid the situations that triggered my anxiety, so I never thought much of it.
The Breaking Point: 2023
Everything changed in 2023. A few stressful events hit me all at once—job changes, permanent work-from-home, and some lingering health issues. These weren’t small stressors, but I didn’t realize at the time just how much they were pushing me to the edge. It all started with a couple of isolated panic attacks. The first one came after I witnessed an emergency in town—understandable, right? The second one hit after a night of drinking too much—again, an easy explanation.
But the third one was different. I was away at a conference, presenting a poster and chatting with people after a full day fueled by coffee. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by an intense wave of panic. It hit hard and fast, and I had no idea what was happening. It’s been over a year since that day, and the fear from that moment still lingers.
The Lonely Path of Anxiety
My first thought was that something must be physically wrong. There’s no way you could feel this terrible and not have a serious health issue, right? I went to the doctor, had tests done, but everything came back normal. That’s when it hit me: this wasn’t physical—it was anxiety. And that realization was just the beginning of a long, painful battle.
Anxiety can be incredibly isolating. I didn’t want to scare my young child, so I hid most of what I was going through. But inside, it was agony. Any symptom you can think of, I’ve had it. Racing heart, dizziness, a constant feeling of dread. I felt like I was losing control of my own body and mind.
Why I Started This Blog
I started this blog as part of my healing process. Writing things down, documenting what I’ve tried and learned, helps me appreciate how far I’ve come, even on the days when it feels like I’m not making any progress. It’s also my way of sharing this experience—the ups, the downs, and everything in between. I hope that by putting it out there, it might help someone else feel a little less isolated in their own struggle with anxiety.